Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Everyone around me has probably done an internship before. What am I doing with my life? I feel like I'm the least concerned about my future, or rather, I am just too comfortable in my safe spot to even want to step out of it and do something to help myself. I am really having nightmares about the thought of not being able to find a decent job after I graduate. And why do I feel like I don't know what I want? I am going to graduate in a month yet I still don't know what job I want to do.
J was sharing his thoughts about smth last night. And we came to this point of the conversation where he said there's always a chance for you to do well and prove others wrong in the educational system. Even in life, if we view it as a system. And now, I'm on one of those levels, with crappy grades that is probably not going to get me into a high-flying job. At that point in time, I felt like all my life I have just been a disappointment. People expected so much out of me, yet I failed time and again to deliver. I know, getting a great job with a great pay isn't everything but at least I would like to imagine myself in such a situation. At the same time, I am afraid of so many things. Like what if I can't produce the results? What if I can't handle the stress? What if I can't handle the competition? What if I have to face shitty bosses and colleagues?
I tell myself to be strong. To be brave. To take the first leap and do smth out of my comfort zone. Yet, I find myself back at the same spot in the end. Why do I run away from all my fears instead of facing them? Why do I have so little courage? Why why why. I hate the feeling where everyone around me seems to be doing so well, but I'm right at the bottom. I'm lagging. I'm moving nowhere. I'm not achieving what I ought to be able to achieve. I'm lost.
I really feel lost. And I don't know how but I really need to find my way out of the darkness soon.
J was sharing his thoughts about smth last night. And we came to this point of the conversation where he said there's always a chance for you to do well and prove others wrong in the educational system. Even in life, if we view it as a system. And now, I'm on one of those levels, with crappy grades that is probably not going to get me into a high-flying job. At that point in time, I felt like all my life I have just been a disappointment. People expected so much out of me, yet I failed time and again to deliver. I know, getting a great job with a great pay isn't everything but at least I would like to imagine myself in such a situation. At the same time, I am afraid of so many things. Like what if I can't produce the results? What if I can't handle the stress? What if I can't handle the competition? What if I have to face shitty bosses and colleagues?
I tell myself to be strong. To be brave. To take the first leap and do smth out of my comfort zone. Yet, I find myself back at the same spot in the end. Why do I run away from all my fears instead of facing them? Why do I have so little courage? Why why why. I hate the feeling where everyone around me seems to be doing so well, but I'm right at the bottom. I'm lagging. I'm moving nowhere. I'm not achieving what I ought to be able to achieve. I'm lost.
I really feel lost. And I don't know how but I really need to find my way out of the darkness soon.
Labels: thoughts/rants
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